The Fear of loss and the Need to Trust!😠 betrayal wound
Among the five major emotional wounds, betrayal wound is the one that most affects the notion of trust. Trust is essential in the development of emotional bonds with others. That wound develops in the child between 2 and 4 years old. This is the period when he develops a greater need to give and reciprocate love. It is also a period where he might develop greater affection/attraction for the parent of the opposite sex (Oedipus complex).
During this period, the notion of exclusivity can take a lot of importance, since this trust is a precursor to the sphere of intimacy. Therefore, betrayal is first experienced through a relatively strong emotional bond with the parent. Eventually, it can infiltrate his interactions with others — where loyalty will become paramount! His greatest fear here is loss/separation/dissociation in all its forms.
The Illusion of Exclusivity😍 betrayal wound
The exclusivity sought by the child reflects the risk he is taking by GIVING love. This begets the notion of commitment; “I am committing myself, so you too must commit yourself”. Thus, betrayal occurs when this exclusive commitment is broken in the eyes of the child. For example, when a new baby arrives in the family. Here, the child may have the feeling that his “favorite” parent does not take care of him anymore or does not take enough care of him. It also happens when the child experiences too many disappointments, non-reciprocity, and/or broken promises. In any case, this creates a significant gap between the reality and the child’s expectations in relation to the commitment and loyalty so dear to him.
Also, the “preferred” parent will sometimes voluntarily, but unconsciously, play the game of exclusivity. In fact, this type of parenting behavior usually reveals a search for exclusive affection with the child. It may be an unconscious, unresolved betrayal wound that he is trying to fill by securing the child’s loyalty. This can potentially create a loyalty conflict that may sabotage future intimate relationships in adulthood.
Unrealistic Expectations and Control🔗
As the child gets older, unrealistic expectations and the fear of being constantly disappointed become more and more crystallized — becoming the lens through which he perceives his relationships. Not only this makes him more susceptible to unexpected and unpleasant surprises, but he risks developing this undesired but formidable character trait that is the need for control.
By trying to plan and control everything, he wants to make sure that everything goes according to HIS expectations. He also wants to check if others are worthy of his trust. Delegating tasks is therefore difficult for him, and when he does, he may constantly need to check.
Because he learned to anticipate all possible scenarios, he is very good at reading other people’s expectations. Hence, he may use that as leverage by making false promises. It’s a way to influence others and gain their devotion and loyalty. However, the more he manipulates for this purpose, the more he must keep a mental register of all his promises and/or lies!
Because if he gets caught, he risks realizing his greatest fear; losing the loyalty of another person, or being disowned. Yet that’s exactly what he does when he feels betrayed; he repudiates them, sometimes very swiftly. It will be very difficult for him to give them a second chance.
I’m the Strongest💪
His control is also manifested by a desire to project the image of a strong person, capable of anything, and on whom we can count! He has an overgrown sense of responsibility… that sometimes usurps other people’s responsibilities.
Therefore, he tends to judge harshly who do not respect their commitments, display laziness or cowardice. The end result will be lose of trust. However, he might be afraid that the same thing may be said of him, but will do his best to not let it show. Also, he may tend to react strongly to criticism or control attempts by others.
He generally has a strong personality and exudes a certain presence. He can talk loudly, make big gestures, and take up a lot of space. Often very opinionated, he likes to defend his ideas forcefully by trying to convince others. However, he tends to avoid confrontations where he might risk losing control. He’s likely to keep a low profile in front of people he deems better or stronger than him.
On the physical level, this search for force projection tends to be revealed in the width of the shoulders in men, and that of the hips in women. A big and/or hard belly also serves to project an image of strength. This goes hand in hand with a plexus chakra (personal power) that wants to take too much (control).
I’m the Smartest!😠🧐
That person is usually very intelligent, possesses various talents, and performs quickly. This gives him a sense of superiority that leads him to want to take charge of everything. By doing that, he actually believe he is helping others. As a parent, he will require his children to understand well and to act quickly. He may have the assets of a good “leader”… But he must take care to direct and inspire others, rather than trying to control them. Otherwise it may not be unanimous.
He can also become aggressive when things don’t go according to his expectations… Although he sees this more as assertiveness. This may create rapid mood swings. Thus, people may find themselves tip toeing around him. Tolerance and patience are therefore virtues that he will have to seriously work on… As well as managing his expectations better.
His level of distrust, need for control, and level of agreeableness (not to displease) often lead him to be hypocritical. If he has a person in his crosshair, he can seek to complain and discredit her behind her back… Because if he cannot control or influence this person, he can at least try to influence the opinion of those around her. He also hates liars and cheaters. However, it is not uncommon for him to be hypocritical or dishonest to achieve his goals.
Commitment Issues🧨
For a controlling person, a intimate relationship doesn’t mean much without loyalty. Thus, when separation occurs, it will be perceived as a serious failure. This implies that he failed to maintain control of the relationship. He can also delay leaving the other for fear of being criticized for having betrayed his partner. But he will accuse him/her of betrayal if he is the one left behind.
It can be difficult for him to make choices and make important decisions… Long-term commitments represent uncertainty and possible loss of control. Thus, he may refuse to commit seriously to a relationship, for fear of separation or betrayal. He can even attract partners who themselves are reluctant to commit. For some, adultery is not a problem… Provided you can control the situation!
On the parenting side, it may happen that he develops an exclusive affection with his child; often out of emotional lack in their own relationship or out of a need to control a loved one to achieve loyalty. The child may develop a feeling of emotional loyalty… Turning into a difficulty to commit later on in intimate relationships.
And if he does commit, it is very likely that his parent expresses a form of jealousy towards the spouse. The parent’s interventions may aim to discredit the spouse, or to assert his emotional privilege and/or influence over his child.
Seduction, Manipulation, and Sexuality👄 betrayal wound
During his early years, the child develops his ability to connect and seduce – A power that he will learn to refine and use to his advantage as he grows up! A form of seduction that aims to obtain favors and loyalty from others… Easy when you are skilled at guessing their expectations! This seduction can take different forms; from beautiful promises to favors of all kinds, including flirtation and sexuality. Thus, some do not hesitate to use their charms to maintain control or influence over the partner or their entourage. The narcissist most certainly bears the wound of betrayal!
Broken Childhood, Broken Trust💔
There are cases of “psychological incest” — where the parent has been using manipulation, seduction and confusion of intimacy on his child since childhood. We can then speak of “emotional rapture”. Here, the child, having grown up, can find himself under the emotional influence of the parent. At worst, he may remain single and become the aging parent’s perfect crutch. At best, he is likely to have more loyalty for his parent than for his/her spouse! And if he has children, he is most certainly at risk of developing this same behavior, and thus perpetuating the cycle.
Whether psychological or physical, incest systematically produces the wound of betrayal… It goes without saying that trusting a potential life partner will have its share of challenges! It can also happen that the wound of humiliation is mixed with betrayal — When the child has felt soiled or stained. In some cases, it may even happen that the disgust or felt betrayal develops into a loss of confidence or a marked aversion for the opposite sex, or sex altogether. It can even have an impact on celibacy, or the person’s sexual orientation… More so in women!
A Little Note to Parents 👪
The ramifications of this wound are great and creep into many aspects of the personality. Also, although parents wish to give the best to their children, the great emotional wounds generally tend to express themselves easily through the parenting style… And to reproduce these same wounds in their children.
What should be remembered from this wound is the significant gap that exists between the expectations, often unrealistic, and the reality/capacity of others – And which gives rise to impatience and the desire to control. This represents an important point that must be observed and deescalated.
Also, it is always good to begin first by observing your own attitudes in order to perceive similar predispositions for control in your personal history. Become aware of the fears of losing or being separated from others. Those are the thing that make you seek loyalty, commitment, or the adherence of others to your opinions, your values, etc. Then see how you can heal those aspects, so to become more patient, flexible and trusting.
The Most Important!☝
Finally, make room for the unexpected and spontaneity… Give yourself the right to make mistakes, and allow your children to be children! Cultivate in you this love and this unconditional acceptance of yourself… In order to deprogram yourself from the many should and shouldn’t that live inside you. You will gradually lose the desire to keep control over yourself and others. Moreover, your children need to know that they are loved unconditionally… Without expectations or conditions! That way, they will feel confident in growing up without having to submit to everyone’s expectations, or to impose theirs onto others.
My Healing Work…🤗 betrayal wound
How did I heal my own betrayal wounds!? By becoming aware of my propensity to control, which was hidden behind my impatience and my mood swings. It made me aware of different early childhood expectations that were broken, or submit myself to the expectations of others, especially those of my mom and her lineage.
By restoring order to everyone’s responsibilities, this allowed me to recognize my own, and by the same token, to reclaim my personal power. Thus, I gradually relearned to take my place, and be comfortable being who I was and doing what I love… By giving this same right to others!
As with any wound, for me the key is to do what our mind/ego prevents us from doing; FEEL the emotions that are at the origin of our attitudes or behaviors. The less resistance there is to feeling these emotions, the deeper the understanding. By welcoming these emotions buried in my body to feel them fully, I release an understanding that my mind has blocked until then.
Be that as it may, working on yourself and freely accessing your emotions to free yourself from them requires time and a lot of empathy; things you have to learn to give yourself!
So be kind and patient with yourselves! And if you need a little coaching in this direction, it will be my pleasure to accompany you!🙏
