The Fear of Shame and the Need for Self-Worth! 😨
This wound is part of what is called the five great emotional wounds; abandonment, rejection, betrayal, humiliation, injustice. Great, because of the determining impact on a person’s personality and temperament. The humiliation wound develops in the child who internalizes an exterior shame-inducing judgment directed at him, often times coming from mom or dad.
He may therefore feel belittled or experience a strong sense of shame or guilt. This wound mainly occurs in situations that affect the physique, the appearance, sexuality, or cleanliness. For instance; being poorly dressed, wetting the bed, messing up food, or being caught (reprimanded) caressing. Humiliation directly affects personal value, sensory pleasures, and preferences.
Forbidden Pleasures ⛔
As the child wants to be loved, but afraid of shaming his parents or being ashamed himself, he will tend to restrain himself. He will develop a tendency to repress and not express his needs or desires. This will therefore come to put taboos on the things he loves… Particularly when it comes to life’s pleasures related to the physical senses; food, touch, beauty, etc.
However, as the attraction for these things is natural, he will tend to get satisfaction covertly. Still, he cannot hide from himself! This then develops into shame and a propensity to punish himself. Among other things, bulimia and self-harm are most certainly related to this wound.
This masochistic side can be expressed by an unconscious taste for suffering and humiliation. The child will attract situations or do things that will lead him to be belittled, belittle himself, feel guilty, hurt and/or punish himself… Before someone else does! Deep down, he may feel unworthy, ashamed, and dirty.
Constraints and Obligations ⏱
Growing up, this tendency towards self-punishment can translate into beliefs and behaviors that he imposes on himself in an attempt to regain his sense of worth. He may also take on responsibilities or tasks that are not his.
Beneath his great devotion and helpfulness, often lies the anxiety-inducing feeling of being unworthy, and a desire for redemption. The belief of having to go above and beyond in order to be loved creeps in… Sometimes to the point of stretching his own boundaries. This can become a real vicious circle!
Powerlessness and Hypersensitivity 😰
Struggling with this wound can bring a lot of helplessness towards interactions, especially with loved ones. As such, he can’t stand conflicts! If he receives criticism, he may easily freeze and lose his temper. Not knowing how to stand his ground, he may prefer to leave the situation to hide his powerlessness. He’ll then try to do everything to bring back peace. Thus, he can easily melt in apologies and take the blame for things that are not his fault or responsibility. This is caused by his propensity for self-punishment. Moreover, he avoids really saying what he thinks, for fear of hurting others.
This tendency to take it all on his shoulders is an unconscious way to prove himself lovable and indispensable. Also it is frequent for this person to have health problems with his spine, back, or shoulders, because of the self-induced pressure. Doing everything for others can also be an unconscious way to cause them a certain loss of autonomy – something he feels is being done to him!
The Freedom Paradox 🤷♂️
With this wound, the greatest fantasy is also the greatest fear; being free! Oh how he dreams of no longer being accountable to anyone and doing what he wants whenever he wants! However, when he tastes it, he can easily fall into excesses or neglection. He then falls back into shame, guilt and fear of judgment from others. Moreover, if he only takes care of himself, he will feel selfish and believe that he is no longer useful to others… And thus unworthy of being loved.
So, although very attractive in dreams, freedom will seem to carry too many risks. Hence there is a certain dysfunction of autonomy and personal responsibilities. This is why he unconsciously manages to constrain himself. This gives him the illusion of controlling his sense of shame, as well as people’s expectations. Moreover, by taking care of those he loves, he believes he is ensuring his freedom, because he exercises a certain control over them.
He also believes that by controlling his loved ones, he will save them from situations that risk making them experience shame. However, this is exactly what he is doing; humiliating and disempowering them.
Shame, Control, and Body Image 🤳
This wound greatly involves the fear of others’ expectations in connection with behavior and the physical body. It therefore affects the love/hate relationship that he will have with his body, food, and sexuality. Obsession with physical appearance, self-harm, loss of desire, as well as serial dieting and other eating disorders, are all manifestations of feelings of shame/guilt combined with a search for control over the body.
Also, sometimes the family unit is part of his image. Thus it is common for him to want to control or influence the body image and behavior of his children and his spouse. By imposing his tastes and preferences, he unconsciously projects his own fears of being ashamed by others.
The Perfect Punching Bag! 🥊
The ease in taking everything on his shoulders (blames and responsibilities), the propensity for self-punishment and constraint, his forwardness towards others, his hypersensitivity in the face of criticism, and his difficulty to stand his ground; make him the perfect punching bag! He takes it all, naturally and without objection, since in his mind, he already deserves it!
He is the type of person to submit and allow himself to be dominated, and stay longer in an abusive or violent relationship. The violence and/or control experienced in this type of relationship therefore acts as a form of validation for the person who bears the wound of humiliation — In a way, it’s in a comfort zone… Which can be difficult to get out of, given the lack of self-worth that has settled in over time.
A Little Note to Parents 👪
The ramifications of this wound are great and creep into many aspects of the personality. Also, although parents wish to give the best to their children, the great emotional wounds generally tend to express themselves easily through the parenting style.
So, if you observe in your child a proclivity for self-punishment, feeling ashamed and apologizing for everything, first start by observing your own attitudes in order to perceive if there might not be, in your personal history, the same proclivities.
Become aware of the fears that are present in you that you may be unconsciously projecting. Often times, they are fears that pertain to exterior judgements and criticisms.
Then see how you can heal your wounds and regain your self-worth, in order to reduce your self-demeaning and self-punitive self-talk, as well as the fear of being ashamed. This will allow you to relax the need for control and the propensity to criticize your children.
The Most Important! ☝
Finally, allow yourself to have fun, and your children to be children… To have fun, to be curious, to hurt yourself, to make mistakes. The compassion, acceptance and joy that you will develop will in turn give your children the right to explore their autonomy and experience life and its pleasures, knowing that they will be loved no matter what!
My Healing Work…🤗
How did I heal my own wounds of humiliation!? By realizing how I had internalize the judgments of others — the projection of their own fears, wounds, limits, and shortcomings.
By restoring order to everyone’s responsibilities, this allowed me to recognize my own, and by the same token, to reclaim my personal power. Thus, I gradually relearned to take my place, to express my needs, and to be comfortable with being who I was and doing what I love… Without feeling guilty or shameful!
As with any wound, for me the key is to do what our mind/ego prevents us from doing; FEEL the emotions that are at the origin of our attitudes or behaviors. The less resistance there is to feeling these emotions, the deeper the understanding. This then allows more lasting changes in beliefs or behaviors. By welcoming these emotions buried in my body to feel them fully, an understanding emerges that my mind had blocked until then.
Be that as it may, freely accessing your heavy emotions may require time and a lot of self-empathy; things you have to hone and train for! So be kind and patient with yourself!
Also, the comfort Reiki provides really helped me to develop my capacity to look inward and be comfortable with unconfortable stuff! And so, if an extra dose of comfort and empathy if what you need, it will be my pleasure to accompany you!🙏
